The pounding of the drums, the shriek of a demonic wind that has whipped up out of nowhere, the force drawing me to the old pirate's chest that contains a secret handed down from family member to family member. The book that holds the secrets for what will unfold in 2023, Dyson's Almanacke.
How this book came into the family is shrouded in the clouds of history. Some say it was handed down by a crew of buccaneers. Others say it was found by a distant ancestor in a Hindu temple stashed behind a pile of old scrolls written by the great Goddess Kali herself.
With trepidation I peel back the cover. The book flies out of my hands, careens around the room three times before landing and rifling through its pages until it fall open on …
January
Anthony Albanese, having decreed that coal prices be capped at $125 per tonne to save the inhabitants of the Great Southern Land from the ravages of the energy cost demons, tells those inhabitants: "You're welcome".
The Great Twig of the West immediately shouts down this decree with cries of "Hocum!" saying that hydrogen is the only true way of slaying the energy demons.
The coal diggers, who were feeding their coal to the Great Southern Land's energy demons for less than $125/t shrug their shoulders and get on with digging coal. They know that they are getting almost double that by selling their coal to other lands.
February
The coal diggers join the metal diggers to head to the east of the Great Southern Land to learn more about the future of their art. They are told that their art is the way forward for all and that they must learn to do it as cleanly as possible. Albo suggests that those diggers of coal and metal should also consider paying more taxes. The diggers say "Nix!".
In Queensland treasurer Cameron Dick makes another move to try to make sure metal diggers pay more royalties.
This follows on from an earlier Dick move to put in a super royalty rate on the coal the state's diggers dug up.
The diggers say "Nix!".
March
The wet summer in the east continues, making it hard for the coal and metal diggers there to dig out their coal and metal.
It also puts pressure on electricity prices because the coal is wet and does not provide the heat it once did.
Albanese decrees the coal price will be capped at $100/t.
The Great Twig of the West again cries that only hydrogen will solve this problem and proposes building more electrolysers to turn all the captured rainwater into hydrogen.
The tribes of the Great Southern Land gather at their various places of worship as the NRL and AFL seasons begin again.
April
In the northeastern part of the Great Southern Land the diggers brace themselves. They know another Dick move is coming. Sure enough, Cameron announces that all the nickel and copper the metal diggers in Queensland will pay a 100% royalty on all the copper and nickel they dig up. He says it is the only fair way forward because the metal diggers can't keep expecting the coal diggers to do all the heavy lifting and copper and nickel is so critical these days. Meanwhile, his boss Anastacia quietly starts introducing measures to ensure that no more coal can be dug up in the state.
May
The festivals of football continue to captivate the masses. In another Dick move Cameron decides he will put a royalty on every point scored in NRL and AFL in Queensland. He says it is only right because why should the diggers have to do all the heavy lifting.
Meanwhile the NRL worshippers prepare for one of the holiest events on their calendar, the State of Origin, which this year kicks off in that traditional home of rugby league … Adelaide.
The Great Twig of the West insists his hydrogen will help power the State of Origin to even greater heights.
June
As tax time approaches Albanese decides it is time for the One Tax to Rule Them All. He says he came up with the idea after rummaging around out the back of the Lodge and stumbling across some boxes marked "Kev's stuff". The diggers are nervous.
Up in Queensland Cameron asks if he can have a peak at Kev's stuff because he reckons it might help him come up with his next move.
The diggers are nervous.
The cold weather descends on the Great Southern Land. That's right. Winter is coming. Energy use to rises.
July
The diggers brace themselves for the One Tax to Rule Them All that they are sure Albanese will drop on them soon.
In Canberra Adam "Bandt suggests Albanese should "do us all a favour" and the OTTRTA is the way forward because the diggers had had it far too good for far too long.
He said they had been making "windfall" profits and that the metals diggers should be donating their efforts for free to the greater good.
The diggers say "Nix!".
August
As the winter drags and energy costs mount up, Albanese decides the price of coal needs to be capped further. He suggests it be capped at $20/t because it is the right way forward.
The treasurers of Queensland and New South Wales start firing up their abacuses to show how much that is costing them. The figure they come up with brings tears to Albanese's eyes.
The Great Western Twig insists that had Albanese gone with hydrogen he would not be feeling this sort of pain.
September
Albanese realises that the royalties bill from Queensland and NSW will send the Great Southern Land broke and that there is no other way forward other than to bring in the OTTRTA.
Bandt rises up to cheer him on.
The diggers say "Nix!" and point out what happened to Kev when he tried it on.
Albanese reckons he'll do it anyway.
Then the issue is forgotten because the most holy moment of the tribes' religious calendars in the Great Southern Land approaches - the grand finals. All is well for a while.
October
The weather in the Great Southern Land starts to warm up. Really warm up. Things start to get dry again. The pitch at the other home of rugby league, the Adelaide Oval, starts to resemble one of those Pakistani dust bowls Australia always ends up playing on. The coal stockpiles at the power stations start to dry out, helping those power stations to run more efficiently. It helps energy prices come down. Albanese insists the coal cap should stay.
The diggers are still very worried about the OTTRTA that Albanese wants to bring in. They start to march on Canberra …
November
… only to stop again because the race that stops the Great Southern Land is about to jump. The horses are off and racing and the winner is obscured by a f$!@ing betting ad. Seriously? Even back in the dark mists of time the betting industry was getting its ads in the way of anything useful.
December
After a frantic year of digging and fearing the introduction of the OTTRTA the diggers are longing for the year to end. The need for rest is palpable. Albanese decides to postpone the introduction of the OTTRTA on the diggers until the next year. He does, however, decide that the perhaps the OTTRTA would be better suited aimed at the betting industry. The diggers, Bandt, Cameron and the tribes of the Great Southern Land rejoice.
EDITOR'S COMMENT
Ye Olde Almanacke
The olde book has been prognosticating
The olde book has spoken
The pounding of the drums, the shriek of a demonic wind that has whipped up out of nowhere, the force drawing me to the old pirate's chest that contains a secret handed down from family member to family member. The book that holds the secrets for what will unfold in 2023, Dyson's Almanacke.
How this book came into the family is shrouded in the clouds of history. Some say it was handed down by a crew of buccaneers. Others say it was found by a distant ancestor in a Hindu temple stashed behind a pile of old scrolls written by the great Goddess Kali herself.
With trepidation I peel back the cover. The book flies out of my hands, careens around the room three times before landing and rifling through its pages until it fall open on …
January
Anthony Albanese, having decreed that coal prices be capped at $125 per tonne to save the inhabitants of the Great Southern Land from the ravages of the energy cost demons, tells those inhabitants: "You're welcome".
The Great Twig of the West immediately shouts down this decree with cries of "Hocum!" saying that hydrogen is the only true way of slaying the energy demons.
The coal diggers, who were feeding their coal to the Great Southern Land's energy demons for less than $125/t shrug their shoulders and get on with digging coal. They know that they are getting almost double that by selling their coal to other lands.
February
The coal diggers join the metal diggers to head to the east of the Great Southern Land to learn more about the future of their art. They are told that their art is the way forward for all and that they must learn to do it as cleanly as possible. Albo suggests that those diggers of coal and metal should also consider paying more taxes. The diggers say "Nix!".
In Queensland treasurer Cameron Dick makes another move to try to make sure metal diggers pay more royalties.
This follows on from an earlier Dick move to put in a super royalty rate on the coal the state's diggers dug up.
The diggers say "Nix!".
March
The wet summer in the east continues, making it hard for the coal and metal diggers there to dig out their coal and metal.
It also puts pressure on electricity prices because the coal is wet and does not provide the heat it once did.
Albanese decrees the coal price will be capped at $100/t.
The Great Twig of the West again cries that only hydrogen will solve this problem and proposes building more electrolysers to turn all the captured rainwater into hydrogen.
The tribes of the Great Southern Land gather at their various places of worship as the NRL and AFL seasons begin again.
April
In the northeastern part of the Great Southern Land the diggers brace themselves. They know another Dick move is coming. Sure enough, Cameron announces that all the nickel and copper the metal diggers in Queensland will pay a 100% royalty on all the copper and nickel they dig up. He says it is the only fair way forward because the metal diggers can't keep expecting the coal diggers to do all the heavy lifting and copper and nickel is so critical these days. Meanwhile, his boss Anastacia quietly starts introducing measures to ensure that no more coal can be dug up in the state.
May
The festivals of football continue to captivate the masses. In another Dick move Cameron decides he will put a royalty on every point scored in NRL and AFL in Queensland. He says it is only right because why should the diggers have to do all the heavy lifting.
Meanwhile the NRL worshippers prepare for one of the holiest events on their calendar, the State of Origin, which this year kicks off in that traditional home of rugby league … Adelaide.
The Great Twig of the West insists his hydrogen will help power the State of Origin to even greater heights.
June
As tax time approaches Albanese decides it is time for the One Tax to Rule Them All. He says he came up with the idea after rummaging around out the back of the Lodge and stumbling across some boxes marked "Kev's stuff". The diggers are nervous.
Up in Queensland Cameron asks if he can have a peak at Kev's stuff because he reckons it might help him come up with his next move.
The diggers are nervous.
The cold weather descends on the Great Southern Land. That's right. Winter is coming. Energy use to rises.
July
The diggers brace themselves for the One Tax to Rule Them All that they are sure Albanese will drop on them soon.
In Canberra Adam "Bandt suggests Albanese should "do us all a favour" and the OTTRTA is the way forward because the diggers had had it far too good for far too long.
He said they had been making "windfall" profits and that the metals diggers should be donating their efforts for free to the greater good.
The diggers say "Nix!".
August
As the winter drags and energy costs mount up, Albanese decides the price of coal needs to be capped further. He suggests it be capped at $20/t because it is the right way forward.
The treasurers of Queensland and New South Wales start firing up their abacuses to show how much that is costing them. The figure they come up with brings tears to Albanese's eyes.
The Great Western Twig insists that had Albanese gone with hydrogen he would not be feeling this sort of pain.
September
Albanese realises that the royalties bill from Queensland and NSW will send the Great Southern Land broke and that there is no other way forward other than to bring in the OTTRTA.
Bandt rises up to cheer him on.
The diggers say "Nix!" and point out what happened to Kev when he tried it on.
Albanese reckons he'll do it anyway.
Then the issue is forgotten because the most holy moment of the tribes' religious calendars in the Great Southern Land approaches - the grand finals. All is well for a while.
October
The weather in the Great Southern Land starts to warm up. Really warm up. Things start to get dry again. The pitch at the other home of rugby league, the Adelaide Oval, starts to resemble one of those Pakistani dust bowls Australia always ends up playing on. The coal stockpiles at the power stations start to dry out, helping those power stations to run more efficiently. It helps energy prices come down. Albanese insists the coal cap should stay.
The diggers are still very worried about the OTTRTA that Albanese wants to bring in. They start to march on Canberra …
November
… only to stop again because the race that stops the Great Southern Land is about to jump. The horses are off and racing and the winner is obscured by a f$!@ing betting ad. Seriously? Even back in the dark mists of time the betting industry was getting its ads in the way of anything useful.
December
After a frantic year of digging and fearing the introduction of the OTTRTA the diggers are longing for the year to end. The need for rest is palpable. Albanese decides to postpone the introduction of the OTTRTA on the diggers until the next year. He does, however, decide that the perhaps the OTTRTA would be better suited aimed at the betting industry. The diggers, Bandt, Cameron and the tribes of the Great Southern Land rejoice.
RELATED ARTICLES
TOPICS:
< PREVIOUS ARTICLE
In OZ deal would BHP's gain be METS' loss?
NEXT ARTICLE >
A METS loss?
Get the Mining Monthly Newsletter delivered free each day
FROM OUR PARTNERS
PARTNER CONTENT
Hastings Deering Enables Gregory Mine to Save $65,000 Annually with GET Upgrade
PARTNER CONTENT
MTG launches new VEEMET ROPE SHOVELS system